Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
