I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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