I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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