oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
