You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it