Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.