i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
