Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
did you just send me my own nude
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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