My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
