But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
