i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
