There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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