I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
