I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
