i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
