It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
