can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
