Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
