I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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