doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Can Purell be used as lube?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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