I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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