Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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