my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
