I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
