I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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