Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
