if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
