I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
