The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
