On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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