So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
