Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
