I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
