just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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