Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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