based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
