who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
