he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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