I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
