Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
