so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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