Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the day after is always just damage control
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
