i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
