She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
