just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
