My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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