do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
