One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
