Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
