i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
