So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
