i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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