I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.