I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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