I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
