god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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