At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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