Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do vagina's smell?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
