There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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