I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
