The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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